So, it's out. You know. I have not been able to keep up with my high aspirations of posting DAILY Monday-Friday. I cannot pretend to be one of those types who has it all together. Did you really ever think that about me? I did, once. Now, I am over it.
I've been in a mood lately. A bad one for everyone involved. Just descended upon me about 5 days ago out of NOWHERE. Don't you love those? Just irritated by things that are just a part of LIFE man, and if I am that frustrated by it, I gotta lot of growing up to do. Come to think of it, growing UP would be great - it would solve that "I am short for my weight" issue!
In the Robert household we have practiced hospitality lately. I had one of my very best friends for 2 days and it was not long enough. She, her husband and three kids drove through our town and took a rest at our casa. They got some Shrimp Scampi with Linguine, and I got some reminder of how much I love my friend, not that I really forgot. We even got a grown up night with dinner and movie. It was an unmet need long over due.
Do you have friends who just became your friends in about a split second? I mean they told you their stuff and visa versa and you just got to be closer and closer? I have had an unnatural amount of these types of friendships in my life. It's sorta become my expectation now, and when it is not happening with some frequency, I get disturbed. I like the real deal relationship, much like I mentioned I like the Truth, and having something casual and meaningless when it comes to the real stuff of life just seems like a let down and a real waste of time. Knowing someone and being known is a privilege.
Of course that puts one at some serious risk. You gotta kinda know how to pick 'em. And, at times, my picker has been broke, and then my heart followed shortly afterward. What do you do when you have a broken picker (translation = you are not a quick and accurate judge of character, or, you ARE, and are just so needy of intimacy you disclose anyway to heck with the fallout)? I think you really only have to make one good PICK, and the rest works out. I'll explain, I know your dying to know.
I've been (and at times remain in the struggle) bound up in my "issues." I totally despise that word. It is too vague. Let me go further. I have been in need of some attention, naive then heartbroken, angry as a consequence, seemingly rejected, reflexively self destructive and sad, repeatedly, for years, then, finally hopeless. Sounds fun, huh? Like a person you really want to be friends with right? I thought so.
Outwardly, I think it must have looked like I did have it all together. Hence, my earlier comment above saying that I used to think I did have it all together. I believed my own lie. Very dangerous. I was smart by effort, a hard worker, OK attractive, had friends, a promising career, perhaps all that I thought I needed to be happy. But what is more hopeless than reaching the pinnacle and being shockingly disappointed with no where to go?
I was found by a Friend. Who, when I was at my weakest moment, found me appealing.
And I believed Him, not because I was naive, but because I accepted the fact that I had no idea what life was about. Making the DECISION FIRST to enter into this relationship was paramount. After much effort (which I would not have made if I had not FIRST committed to pursuit) I realized that He was REAL, not a story made up by men to make themselves feel better. I researched it, thoroughly, but more importantly, I felt it.
And although I can totally relate to the seeming irrelevance of god this day in age, this age ain't got nothing on Him for those who know Him." Particles and progress" is how I once heard it described. Meaning, you are made of particles and everything is moving towards progress, in a nutshell. Try building a LIFE on that one. Let me know, if you live long enough, how it turns out.
I don't mean to be harsh, but I gotta say, this pervasive, unquestioned, subtle 'fact' that science and achievement is all there REALLY IS (if you are intelligent and not deluded into thinking you need a 'crutch') is not only false, but deadly. And the way I see it, it is MEAN not to expose it. Right? I mean, if you have something AWESOME and it is free to everyone, are you not the scum of the earth if you don't share it? What is implicit in that is that one is SHARING out of LOVE.
And I love people. I totally do. I think it is because I have been loved by Someone who knows me and did and continues to do extraordinary things to prove it. For instance, relieving my pain with His perspective, covering my many failures with His overarching plan for my life, riding me piecemeal of my habitual, powerless coping mechanisms by changing my HEART, and taking away selfishness by reminding me I don't need to take care of myself because He is real and ACTUALLY cares for me. No DNA molecule, lofty theory, human relationship or achievement is gonna do that for you. It is a privilege of friendship alone.
So all I had to do was give veto power over to Him concerning my thoughts on my past, my fears of my future and the haunting futility of my present. That's all. Took about five minutes. I'm kidding.
Early friendships were so clique-ish were'nt they? To be in was totally random, or else required some serious effort and know how. But, as I said before, sometimes entering a really good friendship just happens naturally... or supernaturally.
And when you are with that Friend, you can just sigh and be... be known, be healed, be restored, be invigorated, be reminded, be renewed. Be accepted... no, that's too impersonal. Be embraced. Yeah, that is what He does. You are in, as is, with all the benefits of a best friend.
I needed that.